How I’m feeling. I will start this blog post and let you know this off the bat, this is just me getting words and feelings onto paper. Expressing what I’m feeling inside.
This week marks the 4th week of staying home due to Covid. In the past four weeks I’ve gone through an array of emotions, and I am sure those are going to continually come. Shifting me from one state to the next, but the one that keeps coming back… is that I feel empty. I feel hollow.
I remember when my sister was playing on an indoor soccer team when I was a kid. We would go to the “slug” as I would call it - This big humongous white bubble that held 10-15 indoor soccer fields. I would always look forward to these weekends because I knew that I would get to eat junk food the whole time. Stuffing my face with their convenient store, their cafeteria full of slurpees, chicken strips and candy. Don’t get me wrong, I still got to eat unhealthy food as a kid, but my mom was the queen of healthy eating. But by the end of the weekend? i would feel sick. Like my body was just sitting there telling me to eat a fucking cucumber or something. God damnit girl, Eat. A. Veggie. The only way I can explain it.. is that I felt like sludge. Brown. Empty. Slow. That’s how I feel currently. Like… just hollow, dull and grey.
I can’t say it’s all bad though. I have bouts where I get a burst of gusto. I’m home, I am with my loving husband that makes me smile and laugh, my two doggos that are always ready for a snuggle. We are (edit: Todd is) baking bread, making delicious meals and I’m getting to knit more. The sun comes out and I feel that glimmer. But then the snow comes again. I look at my screen for the billionth time, and it’s easy to fall back into that stupor.
Let’s be honest:
I am mad. I am mad that I had my weekly knit night ripped away. I am mad that my trip to NYC was canceled for Lion Brand. I am mad that I can’t go see my mom and my family and go out for dinner, and spend time with friends. I am mad that these simple things are gone.
I am sad that I have friends worried about losing their jobs, or that are having to go on EI or CERB. I am sad that so many of my favourite small businesses may not make it. That my go-to restaurants could go out of business. I am sad for the friends and family I have that are scared for their loved ones working on the front lines, or that have family that are in seniors homes, or are struggling with the fact that they may not get to say goodbye to their family member before they die. That they may not be able to have a funeral, and may not be able to have any regular type of grieving process. It’s fucking upsetting.
I am torn between the idea of “keeping busy” or “keeping productive, learning new skills, working on my business”, and just not wanting to do anything. Like a battle of ping pong, constantly back and forth. Back and forth. Only to feel guilty when I decide to take a break, even when my mind needs it.
I am tired of looking at god damn screens. EUGH. Please take my phone away from me before I sink myself down another comparison hole. Where I look at others accounts, their follower counts, and compare my business to them and speculate. Where I beat myself up for not going fast enough. For not doing something in my company that someone else does. That I can’t keep up, no matter what… My screen time has gone up by TWO hours guys. Two. I can feel it melting my brain cells. But when I put my phone away, I’m bored. My connection to outside is gone. I crave it. I need it. The addiction is real.
I get that we/I am are extremely privileged in our situation. We are not fighting in a war. I am luckily sitting on my couch… but I feel my mental fortress slipping. Slowly. Ever so slowly. Maybe I just need to sit outside. Get some sun. Maybe I need to realize I am emotional being about to go on her period. Who knows. I guess I’ll just have to take some time and see what comes with it…